How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
