Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
