I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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