Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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