Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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