I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize