you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize