My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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