i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
