I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
