your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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