I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
