Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
