so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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