He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
