I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
