so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
