i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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