I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
