My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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