dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
