if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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