I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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