I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize