now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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