Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
