Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
