Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
