Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
