I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
