Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
this just has baby written all over it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
