You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I love you.
Bad choice
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
