Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
