Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
they're like a gay fantastic four
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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