If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
