I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
