Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
