i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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