And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
