3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
