and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
