I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
