is your mom at the bar?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
