i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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