when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Such a big mess for such a small penis
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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