yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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