last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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