My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
