I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
