The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
