well I can't set my house on fire every night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
