What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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