I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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