One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
