tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
operation harelip BJ is a go
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
