Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
