What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
