New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
