Umm I'm too high to move.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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