I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
