Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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