i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
