My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
