I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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