It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
